Caution To The Winds

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May 22, 2017

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Hope

I want to start again I want to believe against all evidence and experience I receive I want to believe I want to believe If someone would just be kind enough to show me show me show me I want to believe in love I want to believe we're not alone I want to believe in human beings life can't be just a combat zone I want to believe in trust I want to believe in you and me I want to believe we can survive and share peaceful reality it's just not there when I look around I see how you put each other down I want no part of your competition I want no part of your suspicion I want no part of your conditions or the fears in which you drown I don't understand you don't understand so I'll just play the clown and you can wear the crown I live in a giddy euphoria in my mind A hopelessly hopeful romantic kind you can tell me that I'm falling down maybe you are blind we all see what we want to see What we want to find I want to see so

The Abandonment Issue

Right, alright, ahem and all that. So yes, it does appear I have trust issues. As in, I'll never fall in love again type no way, no how will I trust another human being enough... so sad if that is true but I will never really know unless I try and therein we find the rub, whatever that is... is it because I do not let anyone close enough to even try trusting again or is it that nobody wants to come near me anymore (bad vibs stink in so many ways). Occasionally, when I get deeply into sleep (and sadly, that is only occasionally), I wake unsettled remembering a very unpleasant dream about someone betraying me, then laughing. It is usually quite generic, but very specific in the the relatively meaningless (of course nothing is meaningless, but then, as Metallica almost said, nothing really matters, or else, right... you had to be there) details. Trust given, trust betrayed. Then, the abandonment issue.

Yeah, Dawg

Why does the heart and the penis seem to so often (always?) be so connected, they seem synonymous in human behavior? Pathetic. That's not an anti-sex thought because I love sex, but love is not sex. In fact, love can too easily end before it begins when sex takes over the mind, heart, spirit, and life. You feel comfortable with someone, attracted, trust starts, and then, words stop and sometimes, they may never start up again. Intimacy dies and is replaced by sex. Physical intimacy without communication is pure lust, fun, but meaningless. Might as well be any animals mating. No wonder why humans eat their young. Think about it . . . . . . . . . if you don't get it, you probably do it too.

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